The Top 5 Chrises To Replace Chris Pratt, Ranked

If you’re lucky enough not to have a Twitter account, you may not be aware that Chris Pratt has been unceremoniously booted from the Four Horsemen of the Chrispocalypse: Pratt, Pine, Hemsworth, and Evans.

The new twist in the Chris discourse (Chriscourse?) stems from many factors. His refusal to condemn his church’s rampant homophobia. His mocking of voter mobilization efforts.

And while his co-stars rush to defend him, others have pointed out the media’s hypocrisy. As Constance Grady writes in an excellent analysis, while backlash against celebrities is nothing new, the publicized support for Chris Pratt seems unique. His costars were notably silent against widespread sexist attacks against Brie Larson, who played Captain Marvel.

While it’s unlikely for Chris Pratt to be dropped from any major movies over his refusal to condemn homophobia, he won’t be an internet darling again. Which raises the most important question of all: who should replace him in the Grand Hall of Chrises?

5 — Christian Bale

The man is known for being a goddam shapeshifter. Lose 50 pounds for The Machinist, then gain 30 pounds of muscles for Batman Begins and gain 50 pounds of fat for American Hustle. Who’s he going to be next? Gene Parmesan?

4 — Christoph Waltz

Trilingual Bond villain and certified DILF Christoph Waltz is an excellent choice. Charming, affable, and a delight onscreen with his “polite bad guy” schtick.

3 — Kristen Wiig

Kristen is best when treading the line between comedy and drama, like her insane stint in 2017’s Mother! or her role in Welcome to Me. She also fits in with the superheroes Chrises logistically with her upcoming arrival into a superhero universe as Cheetah in Wonder Woman 1984.

In the words of Surprised Sue, “oh mmmyyyy goodddddd”.

2 — Chris Messina

Lord Almighty, that salt-and-pepper beard can sit on my goddam face.

1 — Kristen Stewart

Indie darling Kristen Stewart? Swearing on live TV Kristen Stewart? Bisexual icon Kristen Stewart? Yes, please.

It only makes sense to book a Chris who can’t bring himself to distance himself from homophobia with a woman who’s just become gayer and gayer over the years. Welcome to the club, Kristen.

A queer, herbivorous, leftist Viking. I write about society, justice, and popular media. UChicago grad. Based in Iceland.

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