Have you or someone you know recently taken part in some sort of demonic ritual? Have local teenagers been mysteriously disappearing? Have you recently been seeing zombies? Ghosts? Monsters? Do you randomly hear a banjo playing for no reason?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you may be trapped in a horror movie!
First of all, don’t panic. If you panic now, you have, like, five minutes to live. Take some deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Innnnn. Outttttt. Shhhh! Not that loudly! You don’t want a guy wearing someone else’s face as a mask to hear you.
But here’s the good news — there are ways out of this! Well…maybe. I mean, look, you’re probably going to die. But look on the bright side: you miiiiight not.
Try to follow the following ten tips and you might avoid an ax to the neck.
1 — Don’t Have Sex
Listen, I know you’re horny. Hey, I get it — we’ve all been there! You’re young, you don’t have parental supervision for the first time ever, and your significant other has a rockin’ bod. No reason not to drop-trou.
But don’t. Just don’t. If your trouser trout see the light of day you’re basically a goner. If you give head you might as well say goodbye to your neck. Netflix and chill? More like Netflix and kill!
No! I see you! I see you texting your partner. You think you’re being slick. R U up? C’mon — that’s your game? Really?
Let me ask you a question. Do you enjoy your internal organs? Do you want them to remain internal? You like having your limbs? Huh? Then keep your goddam pants on.
There are so many alternatives out there! Go look at porn. Go get an Onlyfans subscription! That’s a thing, right?
As seen in: Halloween, It Follows, Friday the 13th, Cabin Fever, Cabin in the Woods, Last House on the Left, Species, American Psycho, Teeth, It Follows, Cemetery Man, American Psycho, Alien: Covenant
2— Be a White Woman
I know there’s not much you can do here. Your hands are probably tied on this one. But if you don’t want to actually tied, maybe while a deranged serial killer revs up his chainsaw, it’s probably in your best interest to be a white woman. A beautiful white woman too, if you can wrangle it.
The more you scream and run, the better. If you can look pretty while you scream and run, that would be excellent.
Oh, and if you’re a black guy, you might as well call your family and tell them you love them. Sorry man, I don’t make the rules. Serial killers do.
As seen in: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Midsommar, The Cabin in the Woods, Alien, The Shining, The Invisible Man
3 — Don’t Travel
If you’re itching for a weekend getaway, it’s probably best to go ahead and cancel that plane ticket. Nothing good can come from this.
As seen in: Cannibal Holocaust, The Green Inferno, Midsommar, Wicker Man, Hostel, Train to Busan, Evil Dead, As Above / So Below, Wolf Creek
4— Avoid Gas Stations
If you ignored Tip #3, you’re probably a goner. But if you’re still alive on your road trip or whatever, avoid those creepy gas station attendants. He’s probably going to end up eating you.
As seen in: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Body Bags, The Hills Have Eyes, Deliverance, The Cabin In the Woods, The Blackburn Asylum
5-Join the Enemy
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
If all else fails, just switch ranks. Join the dark side. Abandon your friends and join the mysterious coven of witches that have been haunting you this whole time.
All of your friends and loved ones will probably die, but hey, maybe you’ll find some way to sleep at night.
As seen in Midsommar, The Witch, Hostel 2, The Others,
6- Don’t Have Sex
Don’t do it.
7— Injure Your Hand
This one but seem counter-intuitive but it really works! If you can get a non-life-threatening, but still really painful, injury, you might be in the clear. It’s probably best if it happens to your hand. Bonus points if you can bandage it with some random ducktape you happen to come across as you flee the baddies.
I really hope you’re ambidextrous.
As seen in: Green Room, Ready Or Not, Hostel, Saw, World War Z, Evil Dead 2,
8— Burn Your Video Camera
You know that camcorder you found in your closet from a birthday years ago?
Burn it. Now.
Don’t record yourself, or other people, doing anything, ever! Someone will find the footage but they’re never going to find your bodies.
As seen in: Cannibal Holocaust, Blair Witch Project, As Above / So Below, Creep, Cloverfield
9 — Don’t Be a Teenager
Grow up already. Serial killers are obsessed with you.
As seen in: Friday the 13th, Last House on the Left, Halloween, Final Destination, Don't Breathe, Sleepaway Camp
10— Don’t split up
If you are with your friends, stay with them. I mean, this rule should be obvious but you would not believe the number of times I have to tell this to people.
As seen in: The Thing, The Cabin in the Woods, Friday the 13th, He Knows You're Alone, Scream, The Human Centipede, Carriers, Dawn of the Dead, Return to House on Haunted Hill, One Missed Call, Day of the Dead, Leprechaun 4: In Space, The Burning
11 — (Bonus Tip) Don’t Have Sex
KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!