Top 10 Rules for Surviving a Horror Film

Have you or someone you know recently taken part in some sort of demonic ritual? Have local teenagers been mysteriously disappearing? Have you recently been seeing zombies? Ghosts? Monsters? Do you randomly hear a banjo playing for no reason?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you may be trapped in a horror movie!

First of all, don’t panic. If you panic now, you have, like, five minutes to live. Take some deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Innnnn. Outttttt. Shhhh! Not that loudly! You don’t want a guy wearing someone else’s face as a mask to hear you.

But here’s the good news — there are ways out of this! Well…maybe. I mean, look, you’re probably going to die. But look on the bright side: you miiiiight not.

Try to follow the following ten tips and you might avoid an ax to the neck.

1 — Don’t Have Sex

Listen, I know you’re horny. Hey, I get it — we’ve all been there! You’re young, you don’t have parental supervision for the first time ever, and your significant other has a rockin’ bod. No reason not to drop-trou.

But don’t. Just don’t. If your trouser trout see the light of day you’re basically a goner. If you give head you might as well say goodbye to your neck. Netflix and chill? More like…